Reading > Writing

I’m just about to finish the book mentioned in the previous post. I promise to gather my thoughts and make a ridiculously long entry that no one (but maybe Suzie) will have time/desire to read. 

I’m also still working on the Pursuit of God….when I have to read the book with a dictionary, it takes a while. But it also has such wonderful things to say, I might have a separate entry that is ridiculously long all about that. I’m certain no one will read that one! 

 

In reference to my title: I realize I majored in creative writing…but we can safely say I should have picked a different major. and we can probably just call it “casually studied” rather than “majored.” Just imagine me actually using air quotes, and my self-deprecation will be complete. 

 

 

Currently Reading

Wilderness Skills for Women: How to Survive Heartbreak and Other Full-Blown Meltdowns. 

amazon

I’m pretty sure Marian Jordan read my journal and then wrote a book about it. 

 

More later:)

worst.year.ever.

oh. my. gosh. can this year end already???

The Pursuit of God

I am reading The Pursuit of God (in case you missed the title of this post) by A.W. Tozer. It’s one, of just a few, Christian books I haven’t wanted to throw on the ground. Maybe God is changing my heart…let’s hope so. That’s what I’ve been praying for Him to do. Also, to help me to learn to be more emotional, specifically to cry more. He answered that prayer in full force (Thanks?). But anyway…Do you feel like you are often just missing something? Like, surely there is more to life than this? Surely this isn’t all that it means to be a Christian? Well, I do. I feel like I’ve been missing something that everyone else seems to “get.” And maybe it’s my lack of ability to really dig deep in my soul and figure out what’s underneath the mess. But, maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s a lot more simple than that. Maybe when I became a Christian, I stopped looking and became stuck in the “is this really it?” stage. 

Towzer writes, “How tragic that we in this dark day have had our seeking done for us by our teachers. Everything is made to center upon the initial act of “accepting” Christ (a term, incidentally, which is not found in the Bible) and we are not expected thereafter to crave any further revelation of God to our souls.”

How do we do this??? Towzer says,”The Bible is not an end in itself, but a means to bring men to an intimate and satisfying knowledge of God, that they may enter into Him, that they may delight in His presence, may taste and know the inner sweetness of the very God Himself in the core and center of their hearts.” 

Well…that’s all I have for now. I just read the first chapter. So…Maybe it’ll spark more thought. One more thing, though, is this heart-wrenching, beautiful prayer that stabbed me in the heart:

“O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, “Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.” Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

 

 

 

out of the darkness….

I always thought that when I became a Christian, I was stepping into light! Jesus is the Light, right? So, believing in Jesus means that I am believing in Light and letting it envelope me. But, I don’t know if it is that simple. When I became a Christian, I stopped cussing. That’s pretty much the extent of my bad behavior at 13 (fortunately). BUT I didn’t stop being mean spirited. I didn’t stop disrespecting my mom by disobeying her. I didn’t start being nice to my sister or brother. I became a generally more pleasant person, but not entirely. I wasn’t as angry as I was as a child, but I still had hate in my heart. I don’t know if I just didn’t let the light seep in to every crevice or what. Something didn’t go as planned. 

I’m not saying that there wasn’t some change, because there really was. God saved me from a life that could have been pretty rotten. But am I letting the light in now? Have I removed the walls that were blocking the light? I think I have some, but there are walls I put right back up…even as recent as a few months ago. I put them up and let the comfortable darkness make its home. It was easy and natural. I didn’t even realize it was happening. Well, except when I said to myself, “I’m done trying.” That might have been a pretty loud statement to my heart walls. But it was so natural, and I felt solace when I had the protection up. 

God is asking me to remove what is blocking His light and let the light shine. Which in my head means, get rid of everything that is comforting to you and let me EXPOSE your bad habits. I’ve got to come up with a better way of viewing it…I’ve got to embrace the light and let it seep into my skin and make me feel joy and serenity.

It’s a slippery slope, that darkness. Let me go out of the darkness and into His marvelous light!

Somehow.

Joan of Arc?

What’s that sword analogy? The one where you put metal in fire and beat the crap out of it and somehow it comes out looking beautiful and fierce? It tells a story of trial and pain, only to come out as a powerful weapon to use on the enemy? I’d like that to be the analogy I use. Beauty from ashes is sweet, but I want to be a sword. I want God to use the fire and the hammer to make me into a fierce weapon that is used against the Enemy for the Kingdom. 

I watched Lord of the Rings earlier this week for the first time in many years…I felt like going out and kicking some butt after…but I didn’t. Epic movies make me want to be valiant, but I’m not. Perhaps the Word of God could evoke such a desire in me? I’d like that…I’d like God to make me a new person who is a warrior, not a couch potato. But a warrior who still likes TV and potatoes, obviously. 

When the battle rages on, I want to be in it…not watching it…like Joan of Arc (actually, I know almost nothing about her, so hopefully she was really cool and not super lame). 

totally boss

So much has happened in the past few months. It’s a lot to process. And some a little too personal for the blogosphere. What is exciting (and I’m willing to share) is that I am finally a staff member for the Revolution! I’m currently in sunny Orlando at New Staff Training…which is totally boss. And by “boss” I mean overwhelming and exciting. I’m still not feeling totally prepared for support raising, but we’ve got a week to figure that junk out.

I am, however, really excited about what God is doing in my life. I’m looking forward to learning and growing and stretching into the person He wants me to be. It’s going to be difficult, but totally worth it. If not, I think I have a place back at the bank (psych). And a few babies to punch.

I would never have imagined, even 6 months ago, that I would be where I am today. I am scared of the future, but trying to find courage and hope. I have this irrational thought, probably on a daily basis, that I am alone. That there is no one to go through life with, no one who cares if I fail or succeed. It’s irrational, and I can talk sense into my emotions, but it’s there. I often feel alone and abandoned. Not only by people, but by God. I know that it’s not true, and I have to remind myself several times a day that I am absolutely not alone. At the drop of a hat, a number of people would be right there for me. God has no abandoned me. If anything, in these last couple of months, God has shown up in unexpected ways.

i’m very thankful for a community where I can feel the freedom to mention Dr. Pepper and there is a 12 pack on the kitchen table…Some people just know how to speak to my heart. (Thanks, Darbi). I’m thankful for mail filld with 5lbs of candy. I’m thankful that when I leave training, I have at least one appointment. I’m thankful that I’m getting the opportunity to serve this community.

Dark times are behind me. There is only light ahead.

however,

things are looking up…

…

it’s been a bad year. real bad.

sewing projects…i don’t have a photo blog…so…deal with it.

i made a cute trash bag for a car, a paintbrush holder, and a sewing machine cover. I’m willing to sell it. or make one for your birthday. I love fabric.

 

funky blue pattern

Open shot

rolled up view