I always thought that when I became a Christian, I was stepping into light! Jesus is the Light, right? So, believing in Jesus means that I am believing in Light and letting it envelope me. But, I don’t know if it is that simple. When I became a Christian, I stopped cussing. That’s pretty much the extent of my bad behavior at 13 (fortunately). BUT I didn’t stop being mean spirited. I didn’t stop disrespecting my mom by disobeying her. I didn’t start being nice to my sister or brother. I became a generally more pleasant person, but not entirely. I wasn’t as angry as I was as a child, but I still had hate in my heart. I don’t know if I just didn’t let the light seep in to every crevice or what. Something didn’t go as planned.
I’m not saying that there wasn’t some change, because there really was. God saved me from a life that could have been pretty rotten. But am I letting the light in now? Have I removed the walls that were blocking the light? I think I have some, but there are walls I put right back up…even as recent as a few months ago. I put them up and let the comfortable darkness make its home. It was easy and natural. I didn’t even realize it was happening. Well, except when I said to myself, “I’m done trying.” That might have been a pretty loud statement to my heart walls. But it was so natural, and I felt solace when I had the protection up.
God is asking me to remove what is blocking His light and let the light shine. Which in my head means, get rid of everything that is comforting to you and let me EXPOSE your bad habits. I’ve got to come up with a better way of viewing it…I’ve got to embrace the light and let it seep into my skin and make me feel joy and serenity.
It’s a slippery slope, that darkness. Let me go out of the darkness and into His marvelous light!
Somehow.
