anticipation

I’ve been feeling anticipation the last few days. I don’t know what it is…but it feels new and exciting. I think God is teaching me something, or trying to show me something…or something. I’m really vague about it because it’s really vague to me. Feelings, barf.

So, maybe there’s something fresh and new about to happen for me? Maybe I’ll get a supporter at 1,000 a month? Any takers?

am·bi·gu·i·ty

[am-bi-gyoo-i-tee]

noun, plural am·bi·gu·i·ties.

1. doubtfulness or uncertainty of meaning or intention: to speakwith ambiguity; an ambiguity of manner.

2. an unclear, indefinite, or equivocal word, expression,meaning, etc.: a contract free of ambiguities; the ambiguities ofmodern poetry.

Cannonball

i really love this song. it makes my heart melt…

I saw Damien Rice in concert with Fiona Apple once…it was really weird. But he’s just super.

story time

Once upon a time there was a BEAUTIFUL AND SMART AND FUNNY princess who had a heart that was trapped.  Her heart was surrounded by a fortress meant to protect her from enemies. The walls were covered in snaky, choking vines of poisonous bitterness. Anyone who tried to break through would be met with a snarky retort or sarcastic, snide comment. People close to her began to walk on egg shells around her. It took a couple of years for the fortress to get big enough to cause the princess alarm, and when she realized, she wanted to escape.

The deconstruction was treacherous. Hearts were broken, time was seemingly wasted. But there is always a hero to every tale, and this one is no different. But the princess rejected the Hero’s help and looked for other ways out. She unknowingly made her journey harder. She misplaced her hope for a saviour from her compound. She hoped it would be a prince to come take her away. She hoped if she worked hard enough, she could get out by herself. She did everything in her power to try and figure out how to tear the walls down.

The day she realized the only way out was with the help of a Hero was when she began to understand how to bring down the walls, brick by brick. She and the Hero first cut, slashed, burned, and ripped the vines down. The process was not easy, and it took a long time. But eventually the vines were barely visible. And when they began to creep back up the wall, she knew how to tear them down quickly. And with the Hero’s help, the princess fought back the poisonous vines so that she could work on bring down the wall.

Eventually she learned to keep the walls down and the vines at bay. Her heart is ready to usher in friendships and love that she never thought was possible for her to experience. She sits in contentment with the Hero by her side, keeping a watchful eye on the vines.

The End

Let It All Out-Relient K

i remember well how this song made me feel year 5 years ago. I still have a strong connection, but completely different feelings. Weird.

update!

I guess an update on life is in order (according to Suzie). Life is hard. Support raising is really hard. I learn something new about myself almost everyday. Or, I guess I just re-realize things. I forgot how much I fear the unknown. I have intense fear of a future where I am alone. But God is revealing truth about His character and it is comforting my broken heart. He never fails. He never leaves me. He loves me. How can I fear a future where all of these things are true? And they will always be true? 

So…it brings me to my knees and makes me want to dance at the same time. I’m listening to Gungor, and I’m really enjoying their vulnerability. This song “Please Be My Strength” has me almost in tears at Sbux (side note/confession time: i cried during a Taylor Swift song the other day…shut up). But the Gungor song the chorus is, “Please be my strength, please be my strength, ’cause I don’t have anymore, I don’t have anymore.” YES! That’s been my prayer for the last year.

“I cannot create it, and I cannot sustain it, It’s your love, that’s keeping me.” 

So…that’s about it. I think I’m getting close to something…it seems like I’m on the verge of a change. Maybe it’s just the promise of summer…

Good Friday

“…My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still:  

My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will.

But the ship, the ship is anchored safe, its voyage closed and done:  

From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won!  

Exult, O shores! and ring, O bells!  But I, with silent tread, 

Walk the spot my Captain lies, Fallen cold and dead.”

 

-Walt Whitman

(from O Captain, My Captain)

Where’s the beef?

Here’s my beef: people who are  soooooo disappointed with movie adaptations of books. Really? Did you expect the movie to live up to the 300 pages of in-depth character analysis and excruciating detail? Did you think they would/could reenact your favorite scene that is so complex and intricate that it took three chapters to describe the setting? Are you really that upset that they took out a minor character and diverted the story line a teensy bit to incorporate an important detail? I have yet to see a movie that was better than the book (that I’ve actually read). Except maybe the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice, but that’s mainly due to Colin Firth and the fact that I don’t need a dictionary to watch the movie.

The most recent victim of the “OMG, the book was so much better!” is the Hunger Games, of course. Well, DUH! Of course the book is better! In what universe is the movie ever better than the book? I think the key(s) to not hating the movie adaptation is to not read the book immediately before seeing the movie…and significantly lowering your expectations. The only exception for me personally is Percy Jackson. They jacked that junk up.  Don’t expect every single character to be just what you imagined. Do you think that your Peeta and my Peeta looked the same? Highly unlikely, because I conveniently forgot he was blonde and imagined him as a young Jeff Goldblum (kidding). But you see my point? 

If you love a book SO much that you would become severely depressed if they messed up the movie (Percy Jackson), then don’t watch the movie (biggest regret of 2012)! I haven’t seen The Road because I’m afraid that the King of Gondor wouldn’t be able to deliver on the supreme artistry that is Cormac McCarthy’s masterpiece…and because I forgot they made it into a movie until about 10 minutes ago.

So there, either enjoy it for what it is (an inferior version) or don’t watch it. For real…I’m a big fan of books AND movies…I will almost always watch the movie version of a book I read, but I never expect it to be good. And I’m (almost) never disappointed* (except stupid Percy Jackson, they really did mess that up).

 

*I could probably be proven wrong here, but I’m okay with contradictions. 

copycat

I’m just going to type out a section of the last chapter of this book:

(Talking about finding joy in the season of singleness)

“This is not being fake or pretending we don’t have desires or sappily acting like life is perfect. No, joy is the by-product of choosing to believe God and trust his timing–believing that God ordains each season of our lives for a reason. 

This lesson was learned the hard way. Friends, my insistence on having my List was robbing me of the beauty of the season I was in. I was the girl always looking down the road of life, thinking that real joy would be found at some future destination. Never content in the present because I thought happiness was awaiting me at the next rung on the ladder. No more! I now believe God. Everything is beautiful in its time. As a result of this belief, I am determined not to look back on this season and ask myself:

• What if I had embraced that time as an opportunity to glorify God?
• -What if I had made the decision to enjoy the single season instead of wishing it away?
• -What if I had taken advantage of singleness and truly made it something beautiful? “

——–

So, the bold section is me. For real. And I’m not quite at a place where the author is, but I feel like I finally have the bigger picture of what God is asking me to do. He wants happiness for me…I believe that…it just looks different than I thought it would. Which probably means it will be more wonderful than I imagined it ever could be. So…bam! 

^{Romans 8:28} And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

 

christianese: fruition.

christianese word for today is FRUITION. Because I completed a task worthy of blogging about: my journal!

It feels so nice to finish a journal. Like I just climbed to the top of a mountain, or perhaps a large hill (Indiana isn’t really known for it’s altitude). I have had the journal I just finished for almost 2 years. It traveled far from Australia as a gift and was a beautiful, handmade friend.  I guess I have (surprise) dry spells where I don’t write for a while, and that’s why it was nearly 2 years before I finished it. And it was kind of thick. Actually, more than half of the thing was written in the last 6 months…and it’s thick, but still pretty small.

It has been quite the journey…I started out hopeful mixed with insight. The middle was a LOT of confusion, questioning, hoping in the wrong things, being disappointed, and overall lugubriousness (refer to Jason Mraz for the definition). The end…well, the last couple of months of writing, have become more and more hopeful. So that’s a bonus. I don’t like that 85% of what I wrote in the last 2 years was so despondent. I really want my life to reflect Christ. I should probably work on looking on the bright side more often. I got a new journal today, and I’m excited about the possibilities…And writing about the hopeful things mixed in pretty evenly with the fears.

Also, in just 3 days, I get to see not only my favorite friend, but THE HUNGER GAMES!!!! I can’t explain my excitement right now…for real. I can’t imagine what would happen if the movie sucked…I’d probably just…just…cry. Really hard.

 

I accidentally posted the photo of the journal…I thought it would go IN this post, but it didn’t. deal with it, ok?