I am spoken for

God’s been teaching me some things lately, in light of a lot of disappointment and confusion in my life. One thing He is telling me is that I am His and He is mine. Song of Songs 6:3: “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine; he browses among the lilies.” He also has been showing me where I find my identity, and how selfish I can be about it. I don’t exactly know what it looks like or how to do it, but I’ve got to find my identity in Him and just be okay with where I’m at in life, because it’s for a reason.

I have a hard time being specific about what I’m feeling…because most times I’m feeling so many things at once, I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to sort through the jumbled thoughts and feelings. I don’t know which feelings are mine and which ones are not even close to mine. I am a pretty practical person, and fairly rational, but sometimes these feelings come off as irrational and I can’t reconcile them. It’s like I know what I’m feeling isn’t justified, but I just get so angry or so sad about things that aren’t meant to hurt me. The worst thing is that I can’t hide on the surface that I’m either sad or angry, but I can’t verbally communicate it because I don’t know how. It’s very frustrating, let me tell you. And it makes for a hard relationship full of unresolved emotion. yikes.

But, hey, God is good and has infinite mercy on my feeble little heart. And He’s trying to help me…and that’s what I cling to. “I cling to Your promise, there will be a dawn.” I used to listen to that song by Superchick so much a couple of years ago when I went through a weird breakup. It’s called Beauty From Pain. Ugh, it makes me queesy just thinking about how much I listened to it and cried and cried…and cried. I’ve never been so hurt in my life, and I have a lot of things to be hurt from. But God’s promise rings true today just like it did then. And God did bring tons of beauty from the pain I felt back then. I can’t even explain…but it took a lot of work. And it still takes a lot of work almost on a daily basis.

I know people don’t mean to hurt other people so bad sometimes…but it happens whether we want it to or not. I know I’ve even hurt someone that bad…although on the surface that doesn’t seem to be the case…I know you can’t just let it go. You’ve got to deal with it or it will literally kill your soul. Trust me, I’ve been down that road. And the road to recovery is far worse than dealing with it right then and there.

I guess what I’m saying is that even when things seem so far in the dark that we have no hope, just remember who you belong to.

 

can’t i just text jesus?

it’s been too long…again. deal with it. it’s sunny and warmish today. i like that. i know it’s still in the 50s, but i’ve opened the windows and the fresh air feels really good in this house that has been closed up all winter. I’m sort of cold, but who cares? Madi loves it too…

Today is a day off like I haven’t had in a LONG time. I woke up at 6 and went to the gym, had breakfast, shower, and coffee. Went to the bank and started cleaning my room. Washing and putting AWAY the flannel sheets! I may even put my space heater away…but probably not. I love that thing like it’s my job. I may even paint today…i took out all the nails and screws and I’m just ready to do it. I hate painting walls…I’d rather paint a canvas.

Once again I’m blatantly aware of how much stuff I have. Most of it is art supplies or some sort of thing like that. I just need better organization tools…like shelves and/or a studio:) I want to find a great stool that I can use instead of the bulky office chair. I’d also like a slightly larger bookshelf. But here’s the thing–I need to save, not spend. Shocker. So, unless I get my wonderful sugar daddy to buy me those things, I’m just gonna have to deal with the mess that is my life:) But, hey, no complaints here, I like all the stuff and I hope to have the motivation/energy/time to use all of it! To make beauty…that’s what I want!

 

So…let’s just pray the rest of my day is equally as productive and I don’t crash hard at 3:00.

 

here’s a thought from a girl at house church last night: “If I could text Jesus, I would…I’d rather do that than pray.” Oh, the harsh reality and brokenness of our lives…you speak truth, woman!

artist trading cards/creative juices

 

winter night

this is one of three trading cards I’ve made this year. I think I actually made this one last year…but it’s close enough. I need to create something! i just don’t know…my creative spirit has been, I think, restrained. I’m so uninspired that I lack the drive to make something new. All I have are these little cards to push me along and get the wheels turning in my mind. I do enjoy them…I think I just feel pretty uninspired and could use some encouragement.

please? even an idea of something to draw on a tiny card in ink?

LOVE!

like a bee

i’ve been busy. well, the last few weeks i haven’t been too busy, but prior to that,  I was. So…forgive me. Here’s what I did since I moved into this lovely home:

This was my week: Work 40 hours, plan house church, plan bible study, attend house church, attend bible study, meet with people on days off, baby sit, laundry, cleaning, etc.

Then I went to Italy…it was amazing! But i can’t really write about it right now…I haven’t fully finished processing. I’ve been too busy ignoring everything.

Here’s a couple of pictures:

beautiful Alps

Clock Tower in Menaggio, near Como, Italy

Well, that’s all for now. I’m hungry…

moving is like being punched in the head by hulk hogan

I don’t like moving. Maybe because I’ve moved once a year for the last 7 years…from house to house, apartment to apartment. It’s the worst. Really, why?? But I’m moved again. But this time my landlord lives with me and that’s neat. (yay darbi!). And there’s a dog (way cute). And Bria is down two houses with Amaya (also way cute). I have a bed, a big bed. I am just in desperate need of a studio for my art stuff. It’s not very inspiring to spend 20 minutes getting everything out, then working for a couple of hours, then putting everything back for 20 minutes. Not to mention the fact that I’m super messy. So…a studio would just be nice.

But, anyway…life is coming to a resting place. I’ve felt very much like chaos is in control for the last couple of months. The thought of moving made me very antsy. But…let the relaxation begin. I just wish summer wouldn’t end and winter would stay away forever.

God is good and faithful. Things work out and I can ask for much more:)

In like a lamb…

Spring has arrived in full force. Yesterday it was 40 degrees. Two days before I think it was 80. Welcome to Indiana!? Whatever…I’m thankful to be out of winter. I feel like that was the longest winter EVER!!! I feel like these last two years have been long and drawn out…Has it been that long since I’ve felt uninhibited joy? Probably not…I know there were flashes here and there. But there are times when I feel like there is a dark cloud following me around. Just like in cartoons when it’s raining on just one character. I guess everyone feels that way. Just not for extended amounts of time.

Change is coming. Just not quick enough. If something doesn’t happen soon, I’m moving to Thailand. Well, probably not Thailand. I exaggerate.

I painted a couple of days ago, and it felt good to feel like I was good at something. To know that I have a talent that most people don’t…sounds selfish, but let me have this one thing. If I lost my hands, I would be screwed. I couldn’t even play trivia games…I’d just be all nubby. But I never feel like I’m actually good at anything…but I liked what I did and it made me feel good.

Creativity is a good thing. I don’t know why I don’t use this gift more often. Oh right, it’s expensive and I work at a crappy job.

He is RISEN!!!

and that’s something to shout about…

God is good…all the time.

I’m thankful for sacrifice. I look forward to redemption.

–Happy RESURRECTION Day!!!! (tomorrow?)

Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in Thee-St Augustine

Well…The retreat was great. Lots to think about/process. I feel like I was given some wiggle room in the quest for emotional stability. Feelings come and go, but the Truth is constant. I think I’ve been taking the wrong approach at it, and thinking that my feelings are more important than the truth sometimes. I know it’s a lie that Satan put in my head. Not saying I shouldn’t pay attention to my feelings, but I need to learn to align them with God’s Truth and make sure they aren’t just some off the wall feelings that could hurt someone/are a lie.

Lies that were placed and built upon for years are starting to be recognized. It’s like I discovered a mole in some secret agency or something. The lie is like, “oh crap! hurry, blend in!” No, that’s not “just the way I am.” People (me) like to say things like, “I’m just an impatient person” or “I’ve never been good with having girlfriends.” But the truth is, God says that LOVE is patient (and God is love). God says that we need community. Experience says that I need women in my life. That is the truth…and the lie is that things like this are  personality disorders or  character flaws, and there’s nothing we can do to change.

It’s amazing once you are sort of opened up to the concept of certain things being a lie…no matter how obvious is should have been…you really start to recognize more and more lies in yourself. And lies in other people. Things other people believe about themselves feels worse to me than my own lies, because I don’t think they recognize it. I have control issues…don’t worry about it.

Replace your Lies with TRUTH. I think that’s what I got from the retreat…in a tiny nutshell.

and in a tinier nutshell, if I’m not experiencing peace, I’m believing some Hellish lie.

good luck with that.

Love is…

I know Valentimes was yesterday…but I was busy making googly-eyes at my valentime.

In this book I’m reading (Crazy Love), there is a part in chapter 5 where Chan challenges the reader to replace the word “love” in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 with your own name. Here’s my attempt:

Bridgette is patient, Bridgette is kind. She does not boast, she is not proud. She is not rude, she is not self-seeking, She is not easily angered, she keeps no record of wrongs. Bridgette does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. She always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I only went to verse 7 because verse 8 says “Love never fails…” And, above all, that is false.

Ok, so after writing that, I feel like the worlds biggest jerk/liar. At this point in my life I feel like I am the exact opposite of love. And that makes me so sad. I used to be patient and kind and blah blah blah. But my heart has morphed into this foreign thing that I barely recognize. I just can’t figure out how I came to be here. I also can’t figure out how I came to be 20 pounds heavier than I once was…but…I guess if I really think about it, neither one is hard to guess. It’s easier to figure out how it happened than I want to admit. But so much harder to fix.

Well, this weekend I’m going to a retreat entitled “Contagious Joy.” God help me…

and it turns out, love means ALWAYS having to say you’re sorry.

I’m comfortable feeling small

I have the hardest time viewing God as my Father. As a personal friend. I tend to lean more towards the BIG God who created the whole Universe. I started reading this book (with Darbi, since you are one of two people who read this, and a couple of others) called Crazy Love. I’ve only read through the first chapter…but when the author (Francis Chan) describes the things God did/does that we don’t really think about, I connected with that. www.crazylovebook.com <go here for the gist of the book. Ok, so the catepillar has “228 seperate and distinct muscles in its head.” WHAT? That is just one intricacy of the universe that God took the time and patience to create. I’m not sure it took any time or patience for God to do it…but you see what I mean.  There are BILLIONS of galaxies…BILLIONS! (or maybe millions…there are a lot of zeros).

So the point is, I’m comfortable feeling small. I’m good with broad answers like, “I’m fine, how are you?” I’m okay with small talk. I’ve connected with God mainly in Nature. In His creation. Living at the beach in North Carolina for 2 summers was amazing. I often graveled at the awesomeness and shear ginormousy (yeah, i went there) of the ocean. I connected with God because of His beauty. The winter time is hard for me because I can’t (well, i can, but eew) get out and walk through Minnetrista or by the river. Now, Muncie isn’t exactly a National park, but it has beauty hidden away in these little nooks. And when you discover them, it’s like God is speaking into your heart directly. I feel like through nature, God has spoken to me. Through a butterfly, a frog, and especially with the mutant-like turtles in the White River.

I’m trying to discover new ways to connect with God that are more personal. Also, I’m trying to find new ways to connect with people. More intimate relationships, ya know? It’s hard for me…I’ve never been an emotional/let’s be bff for like, ever! kind of person. So…a little help? Suggestions? Coffee dates? (Darbi)

Enjoy Gods creation today…even if it is gray and bleak out there. That just makes it more challening…